I am writing this now, only seconds after reading the last page. I'm not entirely sure how to put what I feel into words. I dropped the book and stomped my feet on my dorm room floor like a toddler. I held in a scream and pulled my own hair like a mentally unstable woman who's run out of medicine.How dare she? How dare anyone leave a book like that? I'm struggling not to swear and it occurs to me now that I may be a little to angry to write coherently at the moment.
I have read so many books. I have finished nearly a thousand last pages and even more beginnings. Yet, I don't know that I have ever felt such a strong reaction to the end of a novel before. No cliffhanger has ever hurt quite this much... So I asked myself; why? Why does this hurt even more than the death of one of my favorite literary characters? SPOILER ALERT. Why did I have this strong of a reaction to a YA book, of all books?It would be wrong of me not to say I relate to Eleanor. I do. SO. MUCH. Honestly, I think that's why the author doesn't give too much information about her size. Because i don't have a number to compare or say "Oh she shouldn't complain!" Or worse, pity her for being larger than me. Every self'-conscious moment, every time she makes a comment about being big, I understand. Even past her size, everything she describes with Park I have felt before. Wanting a boy to touch you but waiting for him to cringe at you for looking the way you do. Everything a teenage girl feels for the first time.
Brace yourself. It's going to get a little personal.
I'm luckier than Eleanor. I've never had to worry about distance or family or anything interfering with my first love, because I was 18 when I first felt the way she did. Everything she says and feels is raw because it's new to me too, even though I'm barely a teenager anymore. It's personal, and I want more than anything for them to make it. I'm mentally screaming in anguish every time she doesn't say "I love you". I'm begging her to write back, to call, ANYTHING. I needed some kind of closure to this first love, even if it's tragedy. Even if she gets hit by a bus, even if the world ends in an apocalypse, even if Park falls out of love with her. In some messed up way I bought in to this story. I was sold that this was real. This is how first loves end. I finished this book dying to know the answer because my own story hasn't ended yet. In this crazy, hectic messed up world, I don't know what will happen. To me, to him, to us. I needed this to be some kind of ending. I'm desperately hoping that her words were the words I take for granted everyday. Dear God, please let her have finally said "I love you".
I sooooo feel your anguish in this post. I wanted to write directly after, too, and waited, because I didn't know what words to use, either. You did a good job. For you, for anyone, enjoy your moments when you are together with your significant other and don't worry about tomorrow. Eleanor tried hard to do this. I agree on the sentiment of what the 3 words could've said. Thanks for sharing the personal part :-)
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with how you felt at the end of this book. I was very stressed out as well with the final cliffhanger of the book. I have so many unanswered questions and feel like the ending was simply not enough information.
ReplyDeleteI agree completely with you about the end of the book! I had so many questions, and I couldn't believe it ended that way.
ReplyDeleteWoah, that was a great post. I agree that the ending is painful, but I think it is also supposed to give you hope that in time they may be together again.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for posting something, I don't know... WORLDLY. A lot of what I have written could be dismissed as filler. This is a tangible experience, of you, with this novel, and not the pages themselves. Excellent.
ReplyDeleteThis was such a good post, I enjoy reading your blog because you add thoughts in there about your personal life and how it relates to the stories! I really hope she said "I love you" at the end because I can't imagine her saying anything else..
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